You’re lying wide awake in bed, listening to your partner snore. He has drifted blissfully off to sleep in a post-coital haze of satisfaction. But you’re not so lucky. You are quietly seething. Your partner didn’t give you an orgasm and you’re not happy about it.
But you have no right to be upset. Your partner cannot “give” you an orgasm.
You can share an orgasmic experience with someone, you can have a joint intimate encounter, but men are not in charge of handing out varying degrees of sexual pleasure.
The surprising secret about female orgasms is that the only person who can “give” you an orgasm, is YOU. Here is how to take responsibility for your own orgasms.
LEARN WHAT TURNS YOU ON — ON YOUR OWN
Don’t believe the myth that good girls don’t or shouldn’t masturbate. Explore your own body with your fingers, a vibrator, the handheld shower head, household items or fruit and veg.
Female orgasms are great foreplay. If you are having difficulty achieving an orgasm through direct stimulation, show your partner what to do by joining in, guiding him, or whipping out the sex toys.
Obviously, there are skilled lovers who know how to alternate between penetration and foreplay, using dexterous fingers and an agile tongue. But if you are with someone with that level of mastery, you are unlikely to need this advice because you will never be left unsatisfied at the end of the night.
Men usually have a favourite position which delivers maximum sensory pleasure, but this can also mean they come quickly. If you want your partner to last longer, change positions into one he might find less stimulating. Once you’ve climaxed, you can shift back into his favourite position for his orgasm.
ENGAGE YOUR MIND
Fantasizing about a different location or a different situation can intensify your orgasm. Imagine you are making love on the beach, in a dark alleyway, or at a fetish club with everyone watching — whatever it is that turns you on. Take your thoughts away from the grocery shopping, or even the predictability of your current sex life and add some imaginative spice.
FINISH YOURSELF OFF
If your partner comes and you’re still unsatisfied, don’t be afraid to ask your partner to help you. I bet he won’t mind.
ASK FOR SECONDS
If your partner has fallen asleep after a sexual encounter which has left you unsatisfied, let him sleep. But only long enough for him to be capable of another erection. Then wake him up gently…
TALK ABOUT IT
Outside the bedroom, talk about what you like and what you need. Describe in detail your personal preferences, your hot buttons and your turn offs. Find out what your partner likes and dislikes. Explain why you do the things you do during sex.
“You always push me off when we are in the missionary position. Don’t you like it?” he might ask.
“I love it,” you reply, “but I push you off so I can get on top and come first. If we stay in the missionary position it’s over too quickly.”
“Got it,” he says with a grin.
When you take responsibility for your own orgasm you will have them more often and enjoy them more. Don’t expect someone to give you something you can get for yourself.